Expecting a Sadist to Cuddle Like a Normal Boyfriend is Like
by Espurrcat
Summary: Expecting Your Grandmother to Become a DJ! It probably ain't happening. A whole lot of nonsense in which Kagura's attempts to cuddle a certain sandy-haired policeman go awry. Rated T for a little foul language (unsurprisingly) and *implications* of naughtiness. One-shot okikagu.


**Expecting a Sadist to Cuddle Like a Normal Boyfriend is Like Expecting Your Grandmother to Become a DJ!**

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Just like most of what he did, she discovered the way he cuddled absolutely infuriated her.

Nothing and no one on all the planets she had seen in the twenty years she had lived could get under her skin like the way this sadist could. Truthfully, that could turn out to be quite a pleasant experience - she fought off a hot blush remembering the sordid details of what had transpired between them under this blanket just hours ago - but as of this moment, Kagura's current thrashing about as she struggled to escape the heavy pincer hold he had on her waist with both his legs wasn't _nearly_ as fun.

She realized now that it had been silly, even naive, to think that afterwards she could lay her head upon his chest as they fell into a contented repose like old lovers, or that he would wrap those strong arms about her waist in a protective embrace as he held her from behind. Not that she had actively _wished_ for something so, so...sweet and pure - after all, they were only fucking - but _he_ was the one to ask _her_ to stay over!

" _It's cold, I could use some of that pig-heat to warm me throughout this harsh winter night."_

A vermillion brow twitched in irritation as she recalled those sleep-slurred words mumbled out as he had already started rolling over in the futon without awaiting a response, facing the direction opposite of her. But as rude and perfectly Sougo as they were, she had a crazy thought that she heard a rare semblance of vulnerability laced deep within them, as if perhaps a great damage would have been done if she had left, as was their normal routine.

And thus the young woman stayed, because the only times she had been privy to such tremors in his voice were rare indeed - a time when he was leaving Edo behind, when he left _her,_ and their fear of not knowing if he'd return was almost swallowed by the torrents of rain pouring down from a slate-grey, impassive sky. _Almost._ A time when a towering, incomprehensible power loomed over them and the loved ones they desperately desired to protect and very well could have meant all of their deaths. A time when she had felt too painfully embarrassed to once again show her face to Edo after leaving and ultimately failing to save one of those loved ones, yet he forcibly rooted out her lies and welcomed her back anyway.

The Yato was unsure of exactly how much time had passed since his proposal hung in the wintry air between them, but it was enough to learn in her initial, shy attempts at embracing him while he slept, that Sougo (unsurprisingly) just didn't cuddle like a normal damned person! After several unsuccessful endeavors that included trying to spoon him from behind ( _that_ resulted in him wildly flailing his legs about and narrowly avoiding kicking her rather hard in the crotch) to simply reaching her hand out to at least share some of the warmth of his back (where in turn he rolled over and her whole arm ended up stuck underneath the weight of him), she found herself in their current position, Sougo taking up the bulk of the futon as he lay on his back, his legs splayed out and having locked themselves in vice-grip about her small waist.

Orbs that were still startlingly blue amidst the darkness of the bedroom slanted in annoyance and sought out the figure sleeping unaware next to her as she propped herself up into a sitting position, finally freeing herself after much cursing and wiggling around. Sadist be damned, if he wasn't going to give her any space, she had no hope of catching her necessary beauty z's. Kagura determined the next best course of action would be to at least fish out an extra futon from somewhere on the Shinsengumi grounds, and failing that, to just haul her ass back to the cabinet she was beginning to outgrow at the Yorozuya. But before she could get up, the young woman was stopped by a sound coming from the man next to her, followed by an almost imperceptible shiver. Kagura stilled and quieted her breathing, just to make sure - but there it was again, a noise that was almost like that of a small puppy whining, sounding so out of place (and yet quite adorable) coming from the big S himself.

"Ah, the chihuahua is cold after all…" She smirked to herself.

Before falling into slumber, she noted the policeman had barely bothered to retie the obi at his waist, and thus his yukata was askew from neck down to his navel. Perched bright and high in the evening sky, the moon provided her with a perfectly positioned slant of cold light that fell through his window, illuminating the bare skin that the Yato lay her hungry eyes on. A hooded gaze roamed appreciatively over the contoured peaks of his chest as they rose and fell in time with his peaceful breathing. Despite her appetite having been sated very recently, _we Yato are a greedy race, after all,_ she found her mouth watering ever so slightly as she bit down the growl forming in her throat. Fingers twitched with the ache to reach out and lightly trace along the parted lips that left such a sinful wake on her body earlier.

...instead, she brought index and thumb to her own cheek and pinched down, hard. A small yelp escaped her from the sharp pain, but luckily for Kagura and possibly due to years of shirking patrols he found dreadfully boring, it seemed Sougo was on the heavier side of sleepers.

"Get a hold of yourself, yes? Fawning over such an idiot is not seemly behavior of a lady. You are not like one of the dolts in his fan-club with their empty-headed ideals and fluttering maiden hearts." She muttered to herself.

Knowing she'd never hear the end of the teasing if he had caught her unabashedly checking him out while he slept, Kagura decided to lay herself back down into the small space she had been allocated in the futon, but found that even though she was still annoyed with the tax robber and his sleeping habits, she was not quite ready to relinquish this rare sight as her eager gaze devoured him like a woman starved.

For once, Sougo's admittedly handsome features were not marred by either an ever-present sardonic smirk _which Kagura secretly adored_ , nor the zoned-out dead fish gaze he'd affix on Hijikata whilst pretending to listen to him _and okay if she were being honest, she had to admit she thought he looked kind of cute then, too_. Tonight, however, those features that had been smoothed out by slumber looked almost...innocent. Kagura snorted. There were many adjectives she stored solely for the sadist in her mental arsenal, and innocent would surely never be one of them.

Yet still…perhaps it were from the fact that while sleeping, he was incapable of keeping up those impenetrable emotional barriers, but he truly did look serene to Kagura in that moment. She let her gaze linger a while longer, mentally absorbing fine details she hadn't the chance to notice before now; the tiny creases that edged around his mouth from a lifetime of sneers. Sleep-tousled bangs were swept aside, revealing a miniscule mole right above his left eyebrow. The fact that, quite honestly, his ears were just slightly too large for the rest of his head and damn if that weren't somehow disgustingly endearing.

And... _badump._ The Yato's eyes widened as an unfamiliar twist of the heart snapped her out of the reverie she had lost herself in. It seemed her earlier annoyance with his refusal to cuddle even somewhat normally had all but disappeared, and in its place was a feeling both dimly familiar in its warmth and yet brand-new with the little skin-prickly sensations that accompanied it. Drawing in a sharp breath and attempting to slow what felt like a frantic rabbit that had suddenly started flailing against her ribcage, she managed to tear her eyes away from the beguiling sight that was an innocent, slumbering Sougo. As she settled on staring at the low-hanging ceiling, instead, Kagura slowly felt her senses return to a semblance of normalcy. But only just.

A vague memory intruded upon her thoughts then: the adolescent her of years past, penning a letter and claiming she doesn't yet know the difference between romantic love and parental affection. Hardly aware of her own actions, the Yato looks over at Sougo once again, a gaze of blue turbulently swirling with unnamed emotions as her eyes traveled over the expanse of him. She finds her breath hitching in her suddenly constricted chest and that electric feeling crawled over her skin once more, causing the tiny hairs on the back of her neck to stand on end. And realization hits Kagura that their newfound trysts may just have been the beginning to something deeper, more frightening, unraveling within the core of her.

Closing her eyes, she uttered the only word that appropriately summarized the whirlwind wreaking havoc of her insides.

"... _shit_."

She briefly looked over to double-check her current inner anguish hadn't somehow woken him (because if anything would waken the sadist from a deep slumber, it would be to pounce on the opportunity of furthering her misery - and she had the strangest feeling she wouldn't be able to lie to him at this moment), breathing a sigh of relief when he only shifted to lie on his side facing her, but still mercifully asleep. The length of his bangs fell over his eyes, looking against the paleness of his skin like brown sugar she so desperately wanted to sift her fingers through.

 _Damn girl, brown sugar? You_ do _have it bad._

It was inevitable, she mused, that their "rivalry" had evolved into something else entirely over the years that passed. There had always been an immediate and mutual respect - even something akin to understanding - between the two of them, from the moment they had first met. There was an inexplicable magnetism that pulled them to one another like violent little moths to destructive flames; and destructive they were, never anyone else capable of keeping up with the wild energy that sang through their veins, driving and propelling them to fight.

So really, they had both separately reasoned to themselves, it was all but _unavoidable_ , this "rival-with-benefits" course their physical relationship had taken. They always seemed to end up in physical contact with one another anyway, as that shared urge roared in their blood, rushing in their ears, filling all the space in their head; consuming rationale and propriety, compelling one towards the other and vice versa.

The stillness of the silent, twilit hours stretched on, and in contrast the maelstrom of Kagura's thoughts dredged up that first proposal the sadist had so casually offered all those nights ago. She remembered it was after a particularly heated fight (because for the two of them of _course_ any important event would revolve around fighting with each other), and though the final hours of the late summer evening were giving way to the chill of an impending autumn, the sky above was still draped in golds and purples, darkening along the horizon just like the bruises beginning to form along the forearms she had thrown above her head.

Lounging on her back upon the park grass and watching the dusk finally chase away the last light of the sun, the Yato was distracted by a chill that licked along the bare parts of her flesh and caused her to lightly shiver, too distracted to notice Sougo had rolled over and was what she would have deemed uncomfortably close.

"Ne," the voice that was now so close to her ear rumbled out, and the surprisingly husky tone of it sent new shivers along her skin, "Are you cold, China? Need help in warming up?"

She was poised to deny, but as she turned her head, Kagura was caught like a deer in the headlights by an intense cinnamon gaze traveling down from her own to where, she belatedly realized, her nipples were quite pert and very visibly stood out against the thin fabric of her favored top. Sougo smirked as he watched the expressions of embarrassment play out upon her face as she sputtered indignities and obscenities, taking advantage of her frenzy to swoop in.

And that was how Kagura received her first kiss.

There was no romantic build-up, no proclamations of love or even like, but it was warm nonetheless. It was warm, and caused little tendrils of molten heat to spread down through her belly as he pressed those firm lips against her own - and though she had expected him to be more rough and unforgiving (because she had to face it - she had thought about this moment more times than she'd ever admit), he gave her every opportunity to push him away. She did not - could not - instead, overcoming the hesitance of her inexperience and played with kissing him back; shy little darts of tongue snaking out to taste his lips. He responded favorably with an almost feral growl, increasing the intensity of his own fervor and pressing the weight of his body closer to hers. Something new and profound unlocked itself within the young female at that moment, as she focused on the sensations elicited from deep within her being at the feeling of having Sougo lie on top of her and his tongue taking up the whole of her mouth. She felt her blood stir, feeling the same kind of anticipation usually reserved for fighting, and indeed their kissing had become its own kind of war as the two melded their bodies even closer, mouths devouring and hands grasping at anything and everything they could grab.

Time continued on for how long Kagura couldn't even say, but when they finally broke for air the sky was laced in silver and the moonlight cast an attractive sheen on the beads of sweat that adorned her skin like pearls.

And as suddenly as it had begun, as swiftly as he had turned her whole perception of their relationship completely sideways, the sadist departed, leaving her a frustrated mess gasping for air and clutching at fading coherency upon the lush grass. He had not, however, left without the suggestion that next time, they do more than just make out.

Months had passed since that summer encounter, and still she had not been able to glean any insight into the maddeningly confusing motivations of the man currently sleeping next to her. He unsurprisingly offered no explanations, and for her part she was just too damned stubborn to come right out and ask anything. Besides, she had been perfectly content with the routine they had developed...until now, that is. Which made her wonder if she had one of those stupid, gushy-girly hearts like his stalkers after all, with this newfound desire to cuddle like a cute couple would.

The rustling of sheets as Sougo turned over in the futon for what seemed the hundredth time that night drew her gaze away from the hole she had been drilling into the ceiling, breaking the circling of thoughts she was beginning to become lost in. Once again presented with the sight of his yukata-clad back, Kagura heaved a sigh and barely managed to burrow back into the futon herself, curling her petite form into a tiny ball and finally ready to give up her silly, sudden ideas of falling asleep in his arms.

Her muscles relaxed rather quickly and gratefully, the exhaustion of being kept up by Sougo's restless maneuvering taking its toll. It couldn't have been long before the Yato had almost completely surrendered herself to the pull of slumber, only to have her oh-so desperately desired rest once again interrupted by movement in the futon. Only this time, she deemed the situation far more pleasant than having her ovaries nearly pummeled to oblivion by the sleep-thrashing of an unaware bed partner - instead, she found said partner turned towards her, the soft puffs of his breath warmly hitting the top of her head in their proximity.

Kagura felt that all-too familiar sense of personal stubbornness well up from within her, and deciding to take one last chance, _there was no point in denying it! She wanted to be close to him, damn it!,_ she uncurled her knees from her chest and stretched out a little, positioning her body in such a way that her face was nuzzled in between the crook of the arm he was laying on. To her utter shock, he didn't respond in kind by trying to completely roll over her or steal all of the futon. In fact he didn't move at all. She could feel the heat exuding from his bare chest and she stared wide-eyed at it, desire flooding her senses to reach out and selfishly revel in the feeling of him all to herself. Kagura was reminded then of the street cat that she used to run into as a child on Rakuyou, who would hiss and spit at her if she ever tried to initiate contact with on her own, but would affectionately nuzzle against her whenever it deemed so. Despite her frequent proclamations of calling him a chihuahua, she realized when it came to sleeping, he was just like that feline.

All the Yato could suddenly hear was that rabbit _thump-thump_ ing of her heart again as it railed wildly against her ribcage, but she had resolutely made up her mind. This closeness was nice, but if they were gonna cuddle, they were gonna freakin' _cuddle._ Far off in the back of her head a little warning signal went off and she knew she could very well ruin this perfect moment that had finally presented itself to her, but Kagura really never was great about following reason, even if the advice came from herself.

Tentatively and slowly she slipped her hand into his open yukata as she settled in as close as she could get, fingers lightly tracing little circles of their own accord from his pectorals down to his navel. The silky skin belied the firm muscles underneath, gained from years of disciplined training. Her senses was full of the scent of him and her thoughts swirled around her head like one intoxicated; being close to him always made her feel like she was running full speed on unsteady ground but this...this feeling of being in his arms without the excuse of having sex was somehow warmer and terribly more fragile all at once. She found herself placing delicate little kisses along his chest and whispering against his bare skin words that came unbidden to her lips:

"I may think I love you, idiot sadist, but you cuddle like a damn tsundere, you know."

Immediately she stopped her mindless ministrations, blood turning to ice in her veins as the shock of what she just verbally admitted punched her in the gut. But he couldn't have heard, right? He had slept through everything else all that night, so there's no way one tiny, accidental utterance had woken the sadist?

The muscles in her neck felt like wood as she somehow forced herself to take a daring peek upwards, hastily throwing her head back down and clutching wildly at his clothing when cerulean orbs met a vivid - _open_ \- gaze of ruby. _Oh shit oh shit ah fuck ah crap-_

His trademark smirk was wider than ever, looking almost manic, even, as he scooped up her frozen frame and rolled them both over so that he effectively caged the mortified girl underneath and between his arms. She instantly threw both of her arms across her face, trying and failing to hide the crimson that had completely lay claim to her skin. He could practically feel the fight-or-flight sense radiating off of her being and indeed Kagura wanted nothing more than to sprint away back to her cabinet and hide for ten or one-hundred years, or to pummel the man above her so hard he wouldn't end up remembering the past two weeks.

"Oi, China," Sogou barely managed to start,

"I was sleep-talking, yes?!"

Sougo deadpanned.

"I don't think you can call it 'sleep-talking' if you aren't asleep, harebrained girl."

"And how would you know if I was asleep or not," she countered back, "You've been practicing yogi in your sleep all night and wreaking havoc in the futon!"

"Yoga," he deadpanned once again, correcting her. He inwardly mourned having to break the facade he was having too much fun with that evening, but decided the morsel that ended up dangling itself in front of the wolf was much too tasty to pass up, instead. "And I know you haven't once been asleep because I've been enjoying the responses I've gotten from tormenting you all night long."

Kagura's incessant wriggling stilled, her arms sliding leisurely from covering her face. Sougo finally got a good look at the girl's visage since her declaration, the mad blush having drained from her skin and her darkened eyes taking on a curious blank look. _Very_ blank. Briefly, the sadist wondered if outing himself would end up proving worth it after all, but had no more time to dwell on such thoughts.

"You've been awake...this whole time?"

A lone bead of sweat rolled down his temple as he mechanically nodded.

"So when you stuck your fingers so far up my nostrils I thought you were going to make a smoothie out of my brain," a perfect opportunity to throw in a snide remark about brains or lack thereof, but for once he knew better, "When I tried to spoon you from behind and you rolled so far away you took all of the futon with you…" Another sweatdrop joined its predecessor, "When I thought you were practicing sleeping drills with your sword and ended up chopping me in the boobs as you yelled 'Die, Hijikata!'",

Sougo started to raise himself out of the futon as much more sweat profusely cascaded down the sides of his face and he thought he imagined a very red, very angry aura radiating off of the Yato,

"You mean to tell me you were actually awake during all of this?!"

By now Sougo had fully retreated out of the bedding and was backing up towards the shoji doors, a stalking Kagura slowly but surely advancing on him. Normally quick-witted with his responses, in the face of such fury the first-division captain wracked his brain and came up only with lame retorts; forget lording Kagura's confession over her mercilessly, now self-preservation was all that was on his mind.

"So about that love you confessed," he asked rhetorically, mentally smirking in victory when it seemed to stop her dead in her tracks and her face became a blazing red beacon of embarrassment rather than bloodlust. He decided to capitalize on the momentum, holding his hands up in a placating manner.

"Don't worry China, it's only natural for girlfriends to confess their love to their boyfriends, even ones such as hard-headed and boyish as you. I'll only tease you for thirty-three years rather than the full sixty I was planning if you just calmly lie back down; such a generous discount I'm offering, see?"

Kagura did not, in fact, return to their shared bed, but started at him in open-mouthed wonder. She took a few more baby steps towards him, the expression on her face making it clear she was trying with great effort to decipher something terribly baffling. He had to bite back many rapid-fire comments involving thinking too hard and something breaking, knowing he was still in quite the precarious situation.

"D-did you say girlfriend, uh huh?" She finally cut the silence in a quiet voice filled with disbelief. To that, he found he could not hold back his sarcasm, patience having worn thin.

"Hah? Of course you're my girlfriend, pig-brain. I wouldn't be fucking you silly almost every night, otherwise. You think I'd let just anyone into my bed? Which hmm, perhaps I am fucking you _too_ hard, screwing what little sense you had to begin with right out of that pretty china-doll head." Sougo took on a serious look, cupping his chin thoughtfully.

The girl was completely at war with herself. She hadn't - wouldn't - forget the mischief had had played on her all night with his fake 'cuddling' habits, nor could she let go of her embarrassment at him having heard her brazen confession of love, but he had just so openly and casually dropped his own bombshell on her. One half warred with the idea of lunging at the man in front of her and kissing him madly, with all the passion she found being called his 'girlfriend' inspired within her, the other half she barely restrained in strangling him half to death and threatening to make this the shortest relationship in history!

In the end, neither side won out and with a frustrated growl, the Yato shoved past a still-musing Sougo, sliding the bedroom doors open, intent on clearing her head as far away from this maddeningly dense monster as possible. The sadist poked his out into the compound's hallway, calling out into the darkness,

"Oi China! Remember that loving girlfriends keep their hearts open and forgiving!" That earned him two hearty middle fingers thrust high into the air.

"As if anyone would agree to be your girlfriend, chihuahua-balls!"

"Heh, chihuahua balls. That's one I'll have to remember." Came a snort to the right, Sougo looking over to see Toshi's head quickly retreating back into his own room. The sadist heaved a sigh and returned back into the bedroom, re-emerging moments later with his trusted bazooka hoisted upon his shoulder and aimed at the Mayora's doors.

"Die, Hijikata-san."

 _\- end -_

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 **AN:** My first okikagu! Hopefully not the last, but man do I still suck at ending things. Believe it or not, the entire inspiration for this was derived by my cat. One night she was being particularly tsun about cuddling with me and well, it lead to the birth of this fic. It was originally only going to be about a third as long and more humorous, but I find I write fluffy, flowery stuff best...still, sorry if the tone didn't match up all the way through or the ending felt lame. I also proof-read everything by myself so I wouldn't be surprised if there's mistakes here or there. Oh about the title! I know it's ridiculously long and silly, but I told myself I wanted it to be Gintama-esque and that just came out and I stuck to it! Anyway I really hope even one person enjoys something about this and please don't be afraid to fav/review or you can PM me if you have any Okikagu ideas you'd like see put to paper. Thanks for reading y'all~


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